testimony- part 3 (college)

I divided my blog into 3 parts for a reason-- when I honestly look back on my life, I think of it as three different phases. Honestly, I almost even look at myself as 3 entirely different people during each "phase," because the different circumstances I faced really shaped me. The third part, I would classify as a phase of suffering, and I think God brought me through these last few years with just as much intention as my high school "spiritual high." You could look at it as a marriage, in a way... the first few years, I was in love. And after these last few years, I am still in love, but a different sort of love. A love that is not rooted in emotions, and not rooted in circumstances. That still experiences happiness and blessings, but is not dependent on them.

My suffering began immediately, to be honest. I had built a life before I became a Christian that I couldn't continue to live in as a Christian. It was like I had been a part of a puzzle, and I had changed shape and didn't fit anymore. I was in love with Jesus, and I didn't want to continue sinning-- and my friends at school continued to hate Jesus and continued to sin. I didn't really want to spend as much time with them, and they in turn began to resent me, and eventually hate me. I decided to switch high schools halfway through my Junior year.. I had to start over, whether I stayed at Buffalo High School or not, and Rockford High School had been impacted just as much as I had by Travis's death. I wanted to be a part of it. And obviously, it was a good experience, and we were able to encourage and grow together in school, in youth group and as friends.

After I graduated, however, I went to St Olaf College. And, again, it was like a puzzle my piece really didn't fit. I had no desire to drink, and the majority of college students did. The first semester of school, I found a few people who called themselves Christians, but they begrudgingly went to the campus church, and sometimes the weekly "worship" service, and otherwise gave no reason for anyone to think they were any different from any other non-Christian. To make things even worse, the college and all the faculty considered themselves "Christian," but followed a new, more "liberal" Christianity that accepted things I believed were clearly sinful, and taught a curriculum that suggested the Bible was inaccurate and unreliable-- historically and conceptually. Several people who had come to St Olaf as Christians their Freshman year, graduated as atheists, causing Christians like myself to become even more of a minority.

Through it all, I continued to follow Jesus. Mostly with a handful of other Christians, but for about a semester, completely alone. I didn't understand my circumstances, I couldn't always sift through the lies, but I ultimately knew God was real and God was in control.

I went from having a tight-knit community as in love with God as I was, to pretty much just God and me. The song that really meant a lot to me at the time:

"You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at Your feet,
I worship You alone.
You have given me more than
I could ever have wanted
And I want to give You my heart and my soul."

I know that's not necessarily what the composer intended the words to mean-- but that's what it meant to me. I was basically saying, if I have to worship You alone, I will. I believe worship is a community thing, but I had no choice. For a little while, it was just me.

In my suffering, God brought me music. I began to write a lot of songs that were encouraging to me and still are encouraging to me. It was no longer just people putting words in my mouth, but me actually singing my own words to God. I'm not sure if any of them are typical "worship" songs people would sing in church. But I think I would consider it worship music. Maybe this course will change my definition. But at the very least, it was music I think came from God and was mostly for God... but also for me.

"in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive helps me understand i'm never alone.
there's more than we can see, there's more than all we know to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me, its time to let go and cling tightly to You.

rethinking what i've been, undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.

and all i held onto that doesn't lead to You, i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries, i throw them to the wind."

"Sometimes life is a mystery
Where you are might not make sense to you or me
But God's bigger than all we can see
You are where you're supposed to be

Don't lose heart:
You're where you are for a reason.
Don't give up hope:
God brought you here and He'll carry you through.

Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life comes in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.

Somewhere in this misery
There is hope that you have failed to see
The sun's rising in the East
Shedding light and warmth, bringing love and peace.

Just let go
and understand that God has a plan.
And although
it's hard to see, God holds all things in His hands."

Not the happiest songs, but they were encouraging to me.

Things got better at St Olaf, and I met some amazing people-- many of whom were just as passionate about God AND music as I am, and who taught me a lot. And God was just as present at St Olaf as He was anywhere else. But St Olaf was always hard for me, and it wasn't the greatest environment for a newer Christian like myself. And I decided, while I could have survived the school, I had an opportunity to be in an environment that would encourage me, rather than discourage me, to be close to God, which was, and still is, my ultimate goal. So I transferred to Bethel... and there's not much else to say.

"The one thing I ask the Lord-- the thing I seek most-- is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in His temple."
-Psalm 27:4