testimony- part 2 ("a new creation")

I'm not going to say that I changed immediately overnight after I really decided to follow Jesus... but I changed a lot pretty quickly. I still have a lot I need to work on, I've struggled a few times since then with depression, and overcoming sin, etc. But for the most part, I've really changed. Its actually kind of funny to look at the person I was in 10th grade and the person I am now, because it doesn't even feel like I was ever that person. I quit smoking, drinking, etc. and broke up with my boyfriend right away, which I know isn't usually so easy, so I was fortunate. God was really present in my life... and the biggest thing was that my life had meaning. Things actually got harder for me, but I was so happy because I finally had hope, something to live for.

Travis's death was a revival- it changed just about everyone who knew him. so many people found God through his death, it was really incredible.

The hardest thing for me was learning to stop looking at Christianity as a religion, but as a relationship with God. And I was so determined to be 100% genuine, and not JUST go through the motions, but have purpose. And not just memorize verses, sing songs, and read the Bible, but find meaning in all of it. In 6th grade I memorized the entire book of Ephesians for a camp scholarship. I had to buy a different version of the Bible, because it was really hard for me to really read Ephesians and look past the words and find what it meant and how it applied to me. Basically, I had spent 16 years habitually going through the motions-- motions that meant nothing to me-- and it was hard to train myself to mean what I was singing when I sang it, or listen to what it was saying when I read it. I'm not saying its bad to memorize things when you are younger, but I had kind a unique situation. You know, when you recite the pledge of allegiance, how often do you really think about all the words you are saying? Its not like you don't mean them, but you think about the general concept, if you're thinking about anything at all besides winning the basketball game, or finishing your popcorn, or going through information in your head for your test at school. There was nothing wrong with reading the NIV Bible, but my new relationship with God meant so much to me, that I wanted to get the most out of everything.

At the same time, I found so much joy in finding God in everything that was familiar to me. I drove around in my car and thanked God for the sky, the lakes, the trees, the stars. Every day in my human anatomy class, I would thank God for how intricately and perfectly He had designed us... I was honestly just amazed. I listened to Christian music all the time-- on the way to church, work, on the way to school every day (which didn't make my brother too happy.) But it was really great to sing something and know what they were saying and really mean it... it was a new thing for me. I even found that many of the secular songs on the radio could be used to worship God-- "You're everywhere to me. And when I close my eyes, its You I see. You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone." "I'm falling even more in love with You, letting go of all I held on to. I'm standing here until You make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with You."

I looked at other Christians at school, and some at church, and wondered how they could be so lukewarm if they really believed in God. I mean, of course I understood... but I was beginning to realize just how wonderful God was. I mean, He created everything, He gave us EVERYTHING, He suffered and died for us because He loves us just that much... everything about Him was just amazing to me. And I wondered if people forgot or had never really believed it... I wondered how people could come to the point where they were just going through the motions if they really knew how great God is and how much He loved them. He was honestly all I could think about.

I started to sing in the youth group worship team at my church and eventually Sunday morning worship, too. More than anything, I wanted to share my passion for God and help people really focus on God when they were singing. I wasn't sure exactly how to do that... I knew I was only really responsible for my own heart, so I would look through the words before I sang them or while I was singing them and just meditate on them. I remember the words that meant the most to me:

"King of endless worth, no one could express how much You deserve. Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours, every single breath (my life... every moment of every day, every beat of my heart... He has the power to take me at any time, just like Travis...) I'll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself is not what You have required. You search much deeper within, and through the way things appear, You're looking into my heart. I'm coming back to a heart of worship... and its all about You, all about You, Jesus. I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it, when its all about You, all about You, Jesus."

"Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness, opened my eyes, let me see beauty that made this heart adore You, hope of a life spent with You. Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that You're my God. You're altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me."

It was like the songs were written for me. It was exactly what I wanted to say to God.

The summer after my junior year, my youth group went to the National Youth Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah. I know that worship is not about God speaking to You... and I know its not just about songs. But Salt Lake City exposed me to all of it. We witnessed to the homeless people, many of whom were mormon. We talked to them about God. And we knew better than to just give them money, but we gave them all the food we could. The boys in my youth group fasted for a week, giving their lunches every day to the homeless men they had befriended. We went grocery shopping and bought them grapes. I gave them some of the fruit snacks I bought. We spent every day with them. By the end, two men had accepted Jesus, I think mostly because of the love they had seen in us.

The music at the conference was led by Chris Tomlin, right before He really became famous. He actually sang the songs from his new most popular cd with us before he released it. He was the most humble worship leader I have ever met. He wasn't singing to show off his voice or anything, his main purpose was to get us to sing, to introduce us to the King, to encourage us to really sing from our hearts to God. He actually sang in the microphone probably only half of the time. And his songs were simple, meaningful and passionate:

"The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty, let all the earth rejoice.
He wraps Himself in light and darkness tries to hide and trembles at His voice.
How great is our God, sing with me,
How great is our God, and all will see,
How great, how great is our God."

"From the highest of highs to the depths of the sea,
creation's revealing Your majesty.
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring,
every creature unique in the song that it sings
all exclaiming:
Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name: You are amazing, God.
Indescribable, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim: You are amazing, God.
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go?
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow?
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light?
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night? None can fathom.
Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name: You are amazing, God.
Incomparable, unchangeable,
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same: You are amazing, God."

It was totally about praising and glorifying God.

I'm going to say again, that its not about God speaking to us. But He spoke to us. I think because we were really trying to give Him everything. We had a service completely dedicated to praying and worshiping God. And they had a time where we were supposed to lay our burdens at His feet and just give Him control over everything. A lot of people lay down their struggles with Travis's death. The revival in my church had spread, by this time, to people by this time who hadn't even known Travis, who just struggled to fit in. I don't remember exactly what I prayed. But God spoke to all of us... actually He spoke to the entire auditorium. I don't know if He told everyone the same thing, but He just told me that He loved me... a lot. But I'm pretty sure He told everyone else the same thing. And it was very clearly God... like I don't know if I'll ever experience God the way I did that day and its okay if I don't until I actually get to meet Him face to face. But the whole auditorium was crying. And then we just started yelling. The speakers were planning to say something but they couldn't get us to be quiet. We sang a few songs and couldn't stop dancing and yelling in between them. As we were leaving and they had finished, we walked down the hallways, and there were still waves of cheering, even in the hallways. Yelling and cheering just because God was amazing and He loved us.

The last day of the conference, I ran into my old youth group from my old church. I asked them how the trip was. They said it was all right... kind of boring. ha!

When I came back, I was more determined than ever to revive my church. Revive maybe isn't the word. I wanted to reawaken their first love. I wanted people to realize again just how amazing God is. Not necessarily to get God to speak to us again, although that was part of it at first. But it wasn't really about that after a while. It was about our hearts. It was about being the people God had wanted us to be-- worshipful creatures with hearts overflowing with love for God.

I hosted a "worship" music night at my church. We didn't sing. I played a cd and made a powerpoint with pictures-- of flowers, of trees, of people, of crosses- and lyrics. I wanted people to remember why they were here. I played songs they all knew, new songs they didn't know, hymns they had known when they were growing up. I didn't want it to be about anything like that, I wanted everyone to be able to worship God in their own way. In between songs, we talked about what it meant to worship God, and read Bible passages. I wanted people to dance, but old people don't really dance. I'm not going to say it was a success or a failure... I learned relationships are between people and God, and I had always known that. But I think I gave everyone an opportunity to praise God. And eventually, the passion of our youth group did rub off on our church.

Several people in my youth group wanted to serve the homeless in Minneapolis, but our parents weren't really thrilled with the idea... mostly for safety reasons.

A lot of people went on a missions trip to Czech Republic right after. They said it was a continuation of what they had learned at the National Youth Conference. God had told us He loved us. And now He wanted us to serve other people. I wasn't able to go that summer, but I went the following summer.

Czech Republic was under communist rule until recently, and Christianity in Czech Republic is not currently very prevalent. Most people I talked to said that when they thought of church, they thought of old people going to Catholic Mass. Our church was partnering with a church in a village called Vsetin. We encouraged them, they encouraged us in completely different ways-- they stuck out as Christians in their society, we were fighting to stick out in a society where everyone is a "Christian." Each of us faced different challenges, but we worshiped and loved the same God.

Our youth group helped set up an English camp, and taught English to high schoolers in the town. After English lessons, we played games, sang songs and danced, and gave a message... and our testimonies. It was a unique experience, because many of the people we were witnessing to honestly knew nothing about God and some were really hearing about what Jesus did for them for the first time. I was able to personally witness two people come to Christ, and it was really moving.

In Czech Republic, I found a lot of genuine hearts. For them, it isn't just the norm, its something you are serious about. At a bonfire one night, a group of us stood in a circle with our arms around each other and sang. And we sang the same songs in two different languages, but our God heard it as one heart singing to Him, the body of Christ.