testimony- part 1 (pre-Christian)

I'm obviously going to start out the semester giving a quick synopsis of what I think of worship and music-- something I expect will evolve, at least to some extent, during the semester. But before I start taking positions and saying what I think, its important to hear where I come from, some of the significant events in my life, and how they have contributed to my view of worship. This isn't necessarily going to be my traditional "testimony", of how I came to Christ, although that has a LOT to do with it, but the parts of my life and my experiences that I think are applicable and necessary to fully understand what I think.

I grew up in a Christian home, I went to an Evangelical Free Church from age 2 to age 13. I went to a Calvinist Christian elementary school for about 3 years, and was homeschooled for about 7 years. I was sheltered, I was very exposed to "modern" Christian "worship." Throughout those years I heard about every cliche Christian song that came into existence-- mostly because I was very very involved in music-anything wherever I went. In Sunday school I was taught "Jesus loves me" and "Oh how I love Jesus." At age 4 I was taught to sing Christmas songs and "Jesus loves the little children" in a children's choir for my church. In elementary school we sang about the walls of jericho and hymns like "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." Until 6th grade I was in every choir I could possibly be in, sang solos in all the church musicals. In 7th grade I was allowed to be part of the "youth group choir," which was modern choral arrangements of more "cool" songs by Audio Adrenaline or Kirk Franklin-- everyone in it hated it. I learned every Christian camp song in existence when I went to Camp Shamineau and Camp Cherith every summer. And of course in church we sang "Our God is an Awesome God" and in youth group we sang songs like "Where Justice Rolls Down." At home my dad taught us his favorite hymns. Honestly, if I picked anything up from my Christian background, it was every lyric to every Christian song that existed in the 90s. I was overly exposed to almost every form of "worship music," and I loved most it-- because I loved music, I loved singing, I loved performing. But I hardly knew God, let alone loved HIM, and I don't really think many of the people I grew up with really did either. The music, at least to me, was never about God, it was about music.

When I was in middle school, we left our church-- actually we were kicked out. My dad and a handful of other people disagreed with what the pastor was teaching and discussed it with him and we eventually received a letter that if we came to church we would have police escort us off the premises. I promise it was entirely ridiculous on their part, not ours. I don't even know if they could legitimately do that because we had done nothing wrong. I was almost immediately forced to give up all the friendships I had ever had, and was no longer allowed to see all the people I had known my entire life. I started going to school again-- this time a public school. And I really didn't want to have anything to do with church ever again. My parents forced me to go to a small church for a little while, and I got to know a few people, and made a few friendships, but I generally distanced myself from God as much as I could. Everything I had thought about Christianity and love was a lie. I had been betrayed by my "Christian" friends, and by God, I thought, if He was even real. I made friends in high school with people that openly hated God, eventually became involved in things I shouldn't have been involved in, and I progressively became more and more depressed.

My view of worship music at the time = fake. At my church, it had always seemed fake to me (and I know that was probably not true for everyone), but everything at my church was about being popular, about being attractive, about being big and powerful. It was hardly about loving God-- maybe about getting to heaven and what He could do for us?-- but it obviously wasn't about loving people.

While it was largely "worship" music that turned me off to Christianity, it was ultimately "worship" music that saved me... or you could look at it that way.

In 9th grade, before I had completely distanced myself from God, my brother and I went on a church retreat with the youth group at my parents' new church. I honestly hardly knew anyone, but my parents were willing to pay any amount of money to get me involved in church again. And church trips are always bonding experiences unless you are a really antisocial person and can manage getting away with out talking to anyone. Even then, you will probably get sucked in. So it was a lot of fun. We went to the Canadian rockies and went rock climbing, played ping pong and basketball, made meals together... It was one of those trips where you eventually felt like you had known everyone forever. And the 14 hour van rides each way definitely helped, too. On the way back, one of the leaders found out I could play guitar-- and of course I knew every "worship" song imaginable, so my van spent half of the ride home singing every song I could figure out the chords to. Jenny Seward sat on one side of me, and Travis Knapp sat on the other. And during that trip I had one of those defining, significant moments that shape you as a person-- we were singing heart of worship, and halfway through the song I was totally struck because I realized this boy sitting next to me meant every word he was singing... you could just tell. It was just funny because I had heard SO many people sing this song, and it was one of the first times I heard someone sing it and really seem to mean every word of it.

In 10th grade, I had hit rock bottom. Just living in sin, living for nothing, completely miserable, suicidal... and even with a number of friends I felt so worthless and alone. I had a boyfriend that called me at the same time every night, and one night I was waiting for my boyfriend to call and someone called for my mom. I was really annoyed, and sat next to her to try to get her to hang up the phone as soon as she could. But it wasn't actually for my mom, it was a leader of our youth group, calling to let my family know that Travis Knapp had just died in a car accident. The Travis Knapp I had met on the trip... one of the only people I could say I had really seen God in. And I was struck again, a lot harder. This guy was my age-- 15!-- and he was dead. What if it had been me? Did I believe there was a heaven? Would I have gone there? Had he gone there? What was I doing with my life? I had been suicidal, but I began to question if i really wanted to die. It had never felt so real to me. There was more to the immoral, high school life I was living, because death like that did not fit into it... we were invincible... whether that something was God or not, I wasn't sure, but it was a part of life that I had never experienced that completely hit me like I had just run as fast as I could into a wall and I couldn't breathe.

There was a memorial service that night for the youth group-- not really a service, actually, just a place for us to be with each other so we didn't have to grieve alone. And I went to it, but hardly talked to anyone, I just thought about everything. I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months, still not knowing what I think. And they played "This is your life" by Switchfoot- which I had never heard before. "This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?" "Of all the people I know, Travis truly lived his life for God... how are you living your life?" It hit me. I really had to rethink everything again.

I prayed the next few days. I was angry at God, but I knew He was real. I didn't understand Christianity anymore, but I realized that it was truth. I had been lied to, but I began to realize there was truth beyond the lies. And I realized that God was giving me a chance to start over, and to really find life and freedom and the truth. And at his funeral, when the pastor offered a chance to pray the prayer I had heard a million times before, I prayed my own prayer... I didn't pray that Jesus would be in my heart word-for-word after the pastor-- I told God I wanted to follow Him, I was giving Him control, and I asked Him to help me find the truth. I wanted to be able to have a heart like Travis, to really love God the way Travis did because He was one of the only people I could see it in... a genuine life for God. And I know almost everyone is glorified when they die, but I swear, Travis, even when He was alive, was one of the people that impacted my life the most... and I had hardly even known him.