I was planning on writing more than this before I turned anything in, but I didn't know the deadline was Wednesday until Monday... whatever.
So I'm going to give a quick synopsis of my thoughts so far on what we've discussed in class and elaborate more later.
Life of obedience-- Yes. I agree completely. There's more to worship than rituals... its important to live a life pleasing to God or worship means nothing. I would go further than that and say that its not what we do, but where our heart is-- God really desires a broken and contrite heart. Faith without works is dead. Love is not love if you never show it. But actions without faith and love are even worse. I think worship is the same way-- it isn't about going through the emotions. But you are really worshiping in "spirit and in truth" you are going to outwardly demonstrate it... whether through singing, through obedience, through service. Just a brief thought I haven't totally thought through...
Contemporary Christian music is not as valid as old-- I disagree. I also don't think new music is better than old music. I think both are equally as pleasing to God-- it is all about the heart of the person singing them. This goes off of what I said before. Obviously details matter to God, because if you read the Old Testament commandments, they are extremely detailed. How you prepare the sheep before you sacrifice it, etc, etc. But as far as I know, there isn't anywhere that says "sing to the Lord... but only if the words are scripturally based." "worship the Lord... but only if the music is a certain style." I mean, obviously if the words are not true, you shouldn't sing them... if they contradict something in the Bible. But I think that as long as your heart is in the right place and you mean what you are singing-- it is pleasing to God. I think that meditating on a few songs for the majority of your life is pleasing to God. But I also think using a new melody and new words, singing "a new song to God" is just as pleasing. Personally, I think they are both benefitial in different ways.
Most of the rest of my thoughts on class discussions so far relate to what I just said.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
testimony- part 3 (college)
I divided my blog into 3 parts for a reason-- when I honestly look back on my life, I think of it as three different phases. Honestly, I almost even look at myself as 3 entirely different people during each "phase," because the different circumstances I faced really shaped me. The third part, I would classify as a phase of suffering, and I think God brought me through these last few years with just as much intention as my high school "spiritual high." You could look at it as a marriage, in a way... the first few years, I was in love. And after these last few years, I am still in love, but a different sort of love. A love that is not rooted in emotions, and not rooted in circumstances. That still experiences happiness and blessings, but is not dependent on them.
My suffering began immediately, to be honest. I had built a life before I became a Christian that I couldn't continue to live in as a Christian. It was like I had been a part of a puzzle, and I had changed shape and didn't fit anymore. I was in love with Jesus, and I didn't want to continue sinning-- and my friends at school continued to hate Jesus and continued to sin. I didn't really want to spend as much time with them, and they in turn began to resent me, and eventually hate me. I decided to switch high schools halfway through my Junior year.. I had to start over, whether I stayed at Buffalo High School or not, and Rockford High School had been impacted just as much as I had by Travis's death. I wanted to be a part of it. And obviously, it was a good experience, and we were able to encourage and grow together in school, in youth group and as friends.
After I graduated, however, I went to St Olaf College. And, again, it was like a puzzle my piece really didn't fit. I had no desire to drink, and the majority of college students did. The first semester of school, I found a few people who called themselves Christians, but they begrudgingly went to the campus church, and sometimes the weekly "worship" service, and otherwise gave no reason for anyone to think they were any different from any other non-Christian. To make things even worse, the college and all the faculty considered themselves "Christian," but followed a new, more "liberal" Christianity that accepted things I believed were clearly sinful, and taught a curriculum that suggested the Bible was inaccurate and unreliable-- historically and conceptually. Several people who had come to St Olaf as Christians their Freshman year, graduated as atheists, causing Christians like myself to become even more of a minority.
Through it all, I continued to follow Jesus. Mostly with a handful of other Christians, but for about a semester, completely alone. I didn't understand my circumstances, I couldn't always sift through the lies, but I ultimately knew God was real and God was in control.
I went from having a tight-knit community as in love with God as I was, to pretty much just God and me. The song that really meant a lot to me at the time:
"You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at Your feet,
I worship You alone.
You have given me more than
I could ever have wanted
And I want to give You my heart and my soul."
I know that's not necessarily what the composer intended the words to mean-- but that's what it meant to me. I was basically saying, if I have to worship You alone, I will. I believe worship is a community thing, but I had no choice. For a little while, it was just me.
In my suffering, God brought me music. I began to write a lot of songs that were encouraging to me and still are encouraging to me. It was no longer just people putting words in my mouth, but me actually singing my own words to God. I'm not sure if any of them are typical "worship" songs people would sing in church. But I think I would consider it worship music. Maybe this course will change my definition. But at the very least, it was music I think came from God and was mostly for God... but also for me.
"in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive helps me understand i'm never alone.
there's more than we can see, there's more than all we know to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me, its time to let go and cling tightly to You.
rethinking what i've been, undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
and all i held onto that doesn't lead to You, i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries, i throw them to the wind."
"Sometimes life is a mystery
Where you are might not make sense to you or me
But God's bigger than all we can see
You are where you're supposed to be
Don't lose heart:
You're where you are for a reason.
Don't give up hope:
God brought you here and He'll carry you through.
Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life comes in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.
Somewhere in this misery
There is hope that you have failed to see
The sun's rising in the East
Shedding light and warmth, bringing love and peace.
Just let go
and understand that God has a plan.
And although
it's hard to see, God holds all things in His hands."
Not the happiest songs, but they were encouraging to me.
Things got better at St Olaf, and I met some amazing people-- many of whom were just as passionate about God AND music as I am, and who taught me a lot. And God was just as present at St Olaf as He was anywhere else. But St Olaf was always hard for me, and it wasn't the greatest environment for a newer Christian like myself. And I decided, while I could have survived the school, I had an opportunity to be in an environment that would encourage me, rather than discourage me, to be close to God, which was, and still is, my ultimate goal. So I transferred to Bethel... and there's not much else to say.
"The one thing I ask the Lord-- the thing I seek most-- is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in His temple."
-Psalm 27:4
My suffering began immediately, to be honest. I had built a life before I became a Christian that I couldn't continue to live in as a Christian. It was like I had been a part of a puzzle, and I had changed shape and didn't fit anymore. I was in love with Jesus, and I didn't want to continue sinning-- and my friends at school continued to hate Jesus and continued to sin. I didn't really want to spend as much time with them, and they in turn began to resent me, and eventually hate me. I decided to switch high schools halfway through my Junior year.. I had to start over, whether I stayed at Buffalo High School or not, and Rockford High School had been impacted just as much as I had by Travis's death. I wanted to be a part of it. And obviously, it was a good experience, and we were able to encourage and grow together in school, in youth group and as friends.
After I graduated, however, I went to St Olaf College. And, again, it was like a puzzle my piece really didn't fit. I had no desire to drink, and the majority of college students did. The first semester of school, I found a few people who called themselves Christians, but they begrudgingly went to the campus church, and sometimes the weekly "worship" service, and otherwise gave no reason for anyone to think they were any different from any other non-Christian. To make things even worse, the college and all the faculty considered themselves "Christian," but followed a new, more "liberal" Christianity that accepted things I believed were clearly sinful, and taught a curriculum that suggested the Bible was inaccurate and unreliable-- historically and conceptually. Several people who had come to St Olaf as Christians their Freshman year, graduated as atheists, causing Christians like myself to become even more of a minority.
Through it all, I continued to follow Jesus. Mostly with a handful of other Christians, but for about a semester, completely alone. I didn't understand my circumstances, I couldn't always sift through the lies, but I ultimately knew God was real and God was in control.
I went from having a tight-knit community as in love with God as I was, to pretty much just God and me. The song that really meant a lot to me at the time:
"You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at Your feet,
I worship You alone.
You have given me more than
I could ever have wanted
And I want to give You my heart and my soul."
I know that's not necessarily what the composer intended the words to mean-- but that's what it meant to me. I was basically saying, if I have to worship You alone, I will. I believe worship is a community thing, but I had no choice. For a little while, it was just me.
In my suffering, God brought me music. I began to write a lot of songs that were encouraging to me and still are encouraging to me. It was no longer just people putting words in my mouth, but me actually singing my own words to God. I'm not sure if any of them are typical "worship" songs people would sing in church. But I think I would consider it worship music. Maybe this course will change my definition. But at the very least, it was music I think came from God and was mostly for God... but also for me.
"in the midst of tragedy, my heart can only grasp Your eternal hope.
and this love i now receive helps me understand i'm never alone.
there's more than we can see, there's more than all we know to look forward to.
this world means nothing to me, its time to let go and cling tightly to You.
rethinking what i've been, undoing what i've done
and all i'm living for, cause there is so much more.
i'm finding now the truth is there's so much left to come.
there is so much more, there is so much more.
and all i held onto that doesn't lead to You, i'm not following.
and all atrocities, unexplained mysteries, i throw them to the wind."
"Sometimes life is a mystery
Where you are might not make sense to you or me
But God's bigger than all we can see
You are where you're supposed to be
Don't lose heart:
You're where you are for a reason.
Don't give up hope:
God brought you here and He'll carry you through.
Sometimes it's hard to see that things will change
It's hard to see that things won't always be this way
Sometimes it's hard to see life comes in waves
There's a time to be happy and be sad
Things won't always be so bad.
Somewhere in this misery
There is hope that you have failed to see
The sun's rising in the East
Shedding light and warmth, bringing love and peace.
Just let go
and understand that God has a plan.
And although
it's hard to see, God holds all things in His hands."
Not the happiest songs, but they were encouraging to me.
Things got better at St Olaf, and I met some amazing people-- many of whom were just as passionate about God AND music as I am, and who taught me a lot. And God was just as present at St Olaf as He was anywhere else. But St Olaf was always hard for me, and it wasn't the greatest environment for a newer Christian like myself. And I decided, while I could have survived the school, I had an opportunity to be in an environment that would encourage me, rather than discourage me, to be close to God, which was, and still is, my ultimate goal. So I transferred to Bethel... and there's not much else to say.
"The one thing I ask the Lord-- the thing I seek most-- is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in His temple."
-Psalm 27:4
Thursday, February 21, 2008
testimony- part 2 ("a new creation")
I'm not going to say that I changed immediately overnight after I really decided to follow Jesus... but I changed a lot pretty quickly. I still have a lot I need to work on, I've struggled a few times since then with depression, and overcoming sin, etc. But for the most part, I've really changed. Its actually kind of funny to look at the person I was in 10th grade and the person I am now, because it doesn't even feel like I was ever that person. I quit smoking, drinking, etc. and broke up with my boyfriend right away, which I know isn't usually so easy, so I was fortunate. God was really present in my life... and the biggest thing was that my life had meaning. Things actually got harder for me, but I was so happy because I finally had hope, something to live for.
Travis's death was a revival- it changed just about everyone who knew him. so many people found God through his death, it was really incredible.
The hardest thing for me was learning to stop looking at Christianity as a religion, but as a relationship with God. And I was so determined to be 100% genuine, and not JUST go through the motions, but have purpose. And not just memorize verses, sing songs, and read the Bible, but find meaning in all of it. In 6th grade I memorized the entire book of Ephesians for a camp scholarship. I had to buy a different version of the Bible, because it was really hard for me to really read Ephesians and look past the words and find what it meant and how it applied to me. Basically, I had spent 16 years habitually going through the motions-- motions that meant nothing to me-- and it was hard to train myself to mean what I was singing when I sang it, or listen to what it was saying when I read it. I'm not saying its bad to memorize things when you are younger, but I had kind a unique situation. You know, when you recite the pledge of allegiance, how often do you really think about all the words you are saying? Its not like you don't mean them, but you think about the general concept, if you're thinking about anything at all besides winning the basketball game, or finishing your popcorn, or going through information in your head for your test at school. There was nothing wrong with reading the NIV Bible, but my new relationship with God meant so much to me, that I wanted to get the most out of everything.
At the same time, I found so much joy in finding God in everything that was familiar to me. I drove around in my car and thanked God for the sky, the lakes, the trees, the stars. Every day in my human anatomy class, I would thank God for how intricately and perfectly He had designed us... I was honestly just amazed. I listened to Christian music all the time-- on the way to church, work, on the way to school every day (which didn't make my brother too happy.) But it was really great to sing something and know what they were saying and really mean it... it was a new thing for me. I even found that many of the secular songs on the radio could be used to worship God-- "You're everywhere to me. And when I close my eyes, its You I see. You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone." "I'm falling even more in love with You, letting go of all I held on to. I'm standing here until You make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with You."
I looked at other Christians at school, and some at church, and wondered how they could be so lukewarm if they really believed in God. I mean, of course I understood... but I was beginning to realize just how wonderful God was. I mean, He created everything, He gave us EVERYTHING, He suffered and died for us because He loves us just that much... everything about Him was just amazing to me. And I wondered if people forgot or had never really believed it... I wondered how people could come to the point where they were just going through the motions if they really knew how great God is and how much He loved them. He was honestly all I could think about.
I started to sing in the youth group worship team at my church and eventually Sunday morning worship, too. More than anything, I wanted to share my passion for God and help people really focus on God when they were singing. I wasn't sure exactly how to do that... I knew I was only really responsible for my own heart, so I would look through the words before I sang them or while I was singing them and just meditate on them. I remember the words that meant the most to me:
"King of endless worth, no one could express how much You deserve. Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours, every single breath (my life... every moment of every day, every beat of my heart... He has the power to take me at any time, just like Travis...) I'll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself is not what You have required. You search much deeper within, and through the way things appear, You're looking into my heart. I'm coming back to a heart of worship... and its all about You, all about You, Jesus. I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it, when its all about You, all about You, Jesus."
"Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness, opened my eyes, let me see beauty that made this heart adore You, hope of a life spent with You. Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that You're my God. You're altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me."
It was like the songs were written for me. It was exactly what I wanted to say to God.
The summer after my junior year, my youth group went to the National Youth Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah. I know that worship is not about God speaking to You... and I know its not just about songs. But Salt Lake City exposed me to all of it. We witnessed to the homeless people, many of whom were mormon. We talked to them about God. And we knew better than to just give them money, but we gave them all the food we could. The boys in my youth group fasted for a week, giving their lunches every day to the homeless men they had befriended. We went grocery shopping and bought them grapes. I gave them some of the fruit snacks I bought. We spent every day with them. By the end, two men had accepted Jesus, I think mostly because of the love they had seen in us.
The music at the conference was led by Chris Tomlin, right before He really became famous. He actually sang the songs from his new most popular cd with us before he released it. He was the most humble worship leader I have ever met. He wasn't singing to show off his voice or anything, his main purpose was to get us to sing, to introduce us to the King, to encourage us to really sing from our hearts to God. He actually sang in the microphone probably only half of the time. And his songs were simple, meaningful and passionate:
"The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty, let all the earth rejoice.
He wraps Himself in light and darkness tries to hide and trembles at His voice.
How great is our God, sing with me,
How great is our God, and all will see,
How great, how great is our God."
"From the highest of highs to the depths of the sea,
creation's revealing Your majesty.
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring,
every creature unique in the song that it sings
all exclaiming:
Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name: You are amazing, God.
Indescribable, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim: You are amazing, God.
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go?
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow?
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light?
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night? None can fathom.
Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name: You are amazing, God.
Incomparable, unchangeable,
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same: You are amazing, God."
It was totally about praising and glorifying God.
I'm going to say again, that its not about God speaking to us. But He spoke to us. I think because we were really trying to give Him everything. We had a service completely dedicated to praying and worshiping God. And they had a time where we were supposed to lay our burdens at His feet and just give Him control over everything. A lot of people lay down their struggles with Travis's death. The revival in my church had spread, by this time, to people by this time who hadn't even known Travis, who just struggled to fit in. I don't remember exactly what I prayed. But God spoke to all of us... actually He spoke to the entire auditorium. I don't know if He told everyone the same thing, but He just told me that He loved me... a lot. But I'm pretty sure He told everyone else the same thing. And it was very clearly God... like I don't know if I'll ever experience God the way I did that day and its okay if I don't until I actually get to meet Him face to face. But the whole auditorium was crying. And then we just started yelling. The speakers were planning to say something but they couldn't get us to be quiet. We sang a few songs and couldn't stop dancing and yelling in between them. As we were leaving and they had finished, we walked down the hallways, and there were still waves of cheering, even in the hallways. Yelling and cheering just because God was amazing and He loved us.
The last day of the conference, I ran into my old youth group from my old church. I asked them how the trip was. They said it was all right... kind of boring. ha!
When I came back, I was more determined than ever to revive my church. Revive maybe isn't the word. I wanted to reawaken their first love. I wanted people to realize again just how amazing God is. Not necessarily to get God to speak to us again, although that was part of it at first. But it wasn't really about that after a while. It was about our hearts. It was about being the people God had wanted us to be-- worshipful creatures with hearts overflowing with love for God.
I hosted a "worship" music night at my church. We didn't sing. I played a cd and made a powerpoint with pictures-- of flowers, of trees, of people, of crosses- and lyrics. I wanted people to remember why they were here. I played songs they all knew, new songs they didn't know, hymns they had known when they were growing up. I didn't want it to be about anything like that, I wanted everyone to be able to worship God in their own way. In between songs, we talked about what it meant to worship God, and read Bible passages. I wanted people to dance, but old people don't really dance. I'm not going to say it was a success or a failure... I learned relationships are between people and God, and I had always known that. But I think I gave everyone an opportunity to praise God. And eventually, the passion of our youth group did rub off on our church.
Several people in my youth group wanted to serve the homeless in Minneapolis, but our parents weren't really thrilled with the idea... mostly for safety reasons.
A lot of people went on a missions trip to Czech Republic right after. They said it was a continuation of what they had learned at the National Youth Conference. God had told us He loved us. And now He wanted us to serve other people. I wasn't able to go that summer, but I went the following summer.
Czech Republic was under communist rule until recently, and Christianity in Czech Republic is not currently very prevalent. Most people I talked to said that when they thought of church, they thought of old people going to Catholic Mass. Our church was partnering with a church in a village called Vsetin. We encouraged them, they encouraged us in completely different ways-- they stuck out as Christians in their society, we were fighting to stick out in a society where everyone is a "Christian." Each of us faced different challenges, but we worshiped and loved the same God.
Our youth group helped set up an English camp, and taught English to high schoolers in the town. After English lessons, we played games, sang songs and danced, and gave a message... and our testimonies. It was a unique experience, because many of the people we were witnessing to honestly knew nothing about God and some were really hearing about what Jesus did for them for the first time. I was able to personally witness two people come to Christ, and it was really moving.
In Czech Republic, I found a lot of genuine hearts. For them, it isn't just the norm, its something you are serious about. At a bonfire one night, a group of us stood in a circle with our arms around each other and sang. And we sang the same songs in two different languages, but our God heard it as one heart singing to Him, the body of Christ.
Travis's death was a revival- it changed just about everyone who knew him. so many people found God through his death, it was really incredible.
The hardest thing for me was learning to stop looking at Christianity as a religion, but as a relationship with God. And I was so determined to be 100% genuine, and not JUST go through the motions, but have purpose. And not just memorize verses, sing songs, and read the Bible, but find meaning in all of it. In 6th grade I memorized the entire book of Ephesians for a camp scholarship. I had to buy a different version of the Bible, because it was really hard for me to really read Ephesians and look past the words and find what it meant and how it applied to me. Basically, I had spent 16 years habitually going through the motions-- motions that meant nothing to me-- and it was hard to train myself to mean what I was singing when I sang it, or listen to what it was saying when I read it. I'm not saying its bad to memorize things when you are younger, but I had kind a unique situation. You know, when you recite the pledge of allegiance, how often do you really think about all the words you are saying? Its not like you don't mean them, but you think about the general concept, if you're thinking about anything at all besides winning the basketball game, or finishing your popcorn, or going through information in your head for your test at school. There was nothing wrong with reading the NIV Bible, but my new relationship with God meant so much to me, that I wanted to get the most out of everything.
At the same time, I found so much joy in finding God in everything that was familiar to me. I drove around in my car and thanked God for the sky, the lakes, the trees, the stars. Every day in my human anatomy class, I would thank God for how intricately and perfectly He had designed us... I was honestly just amazed. I listened to Christian music all the time-- on the way to church, work, on the way to school every day (which didn't make my brother too happy.) But it was really great to sing something and know what they were saying and really mean it... it was a new thing for me. I even found that many of the secular songs on the radio could be used to worship God-- "You're everywhere to me. And when I close my eyes, its You I see. You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone." "I'm falling even more in love with You, letting go of all I held on to. I'm standing here until You make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with You."
I looked at other Christians at school, and some at church, and wondered how they could be so lukewarm if they really believed in God. I mean, of course I understood... but I was beginning to realize just how wonderful God was. I mean, He created everything, He gave us EVERYTHING, He suffered and died for us because He loves us just that much... everything about Him was just amazing to me. And I wondered if people forgot or had never really believed it... I wondered how people could come to the point where they were just going through the motions if they really knew how great God is and how much He loved them. He was honestly all I could think about.
I started to sing in the youth group worship team at my church and eventually Sunday morning worship, too. More than anything, I wanted to share my passion for God and help people really focus on God when they were singing. I wasn't sure exactly how to do that... I knew I was only really responsible for my own heart, so I would look through the words before I sang them or while I was singing them and just meditate on them. I remember the words that meant the most to me:
"King of endless worth, no one could express how much You deserve. Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours, every single breath (my life... every moment of every day, every beat of my heart... He has the power to take me at any time, just like Travis...) I'll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself is not what You have required. You search much deeper within, and through the way things appear, You're looking into my heart. I'm coming back to a heart of worship... and its all about You, all about You, Jesus. I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it, when its all about You, all about You, Jesus."
"Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness, opened my eyes, let me see beauty that made this heart adore You, hope of a life spent with You. Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that You're my God. You're altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me."
It was like the songs were written for me. It was exactly what I wanted to say to God.
The summer after my junior year, my youth group went to the National Youth Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah. I know that worship is not about God speaking to You... and I know its not just about songs. But Salt Lake City exposed me to all of it. We witnessed to the homeless people, many of whom were mormon. We talked to them about God. And we knew better than to just give them money, but we gave them all the food we could. The boys in my youth group fasted for a week, giving their lunches every day to the homeless men they had befriended. We went grocery shopping and bought them grapes. I gave them some of the fruit snacks I bought. We spent every day with them. By the end, two men had accepted Jesus, I think mostly because of the love they had seen in us.
The music at the conference was led by Chris Tomlin, right before He really became famous. He actually sang the songs from his new most popular cd with us before he released it. He was the most humble worship leader I have ever met. He wasn't singing to show off his voice or anything, his main purpose was to get us to sing, to introduce us to the King, to encourage us to really sing from our hearts to God. He actually sang in the microphone probably only half of the time. And his songs were simple, meaningful and passionate:
"The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty, let all the earth rejoice.
He wraps Himself in light and darkness tries to hide and trembles at His voice.
How great is our God, sing with me,
How great is our God, and all will see,
How great, how great is our God."
"From the highest of highs to the depths of the sea,
creation's revealing Your majesty.
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring,
every creature unique in the song that it sings
all exclaiming:
Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name: You are amazing, God.
Indescribable, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim: You are amazing, God.
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go?
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow?
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light?
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night? None can fathom.
Indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name: You are amazing, God.
Incomparable, unchangeable,
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same: You are amazing, God."
It was totally about praising and glorifying God.
I'm going to say again, that its not about God speaking to us. But He spoke to us. I think because we were really trying to give Him everything. We had a service completely dedicated to praying and worshiping God. And they had a time where we were supposed to lay our burdens at His feet and just give Him control over everything. A lot of people lay down their struggles with Travis's death. The revival in my church had spread, by this time, to people by this time who hadn't even known Travis, who just struggled to fit in. I don't remember exactly what I prayed. But God spoke to all of us... actually He spoke to the entire auditorium. I don't know if He told everyone the same thing, but He just told me that He loved me... a lot. But I'm pretty sure He told everyone else the same thing. And it was very clearly God... like I don't know if I'll ever experience God the way I did that day and its okay if I don't until I actually get to meet Him face to face. But the whole auditorium was crying. And then we just started yelling. The speakers were planning to say something but they couldn't get us to be quiet. We sang a few songs and couldn't stop dancing and yelling in between them. As we were leaving and they had finished, we walked down the hallways, and there were still waves of cheering, even in the hallways. Yelling and cheering just because God was amazing and He loved us.
The last day of the conference, I ran into my old youth group from my old church. I asked them how the trip was. They said it was all right... kind of boring. ha!
When I came back, I was more determined than ever to revive my church. Revive maybe isn't the word. I wanted to reawaken their first love. I wanted people to realize again just how amazing God is. Not necessarily to get God to speak to us again, although that was part of it at first. But it wasn't really about that after a while. It was about our hearts. It was about being the people God had wanted us to be-- worshipful creatures with hearts overflowing with love for God.
I hosted a "worship" music night at my church. We didn't sing. I played a cd and made a powerpoint with pictures-- of flowers, of trees, of people, of crosses- and lyrics. I wanted people to remember why they were here. I played songs they all knew, new songs they didn't know, hymns they had known when they were growing up. I didn't want it to be about anything like that, I wanted everyone to be able to worship God in their own way. In between songs, we talked about what it meant to worship God, and read Bible passages. I wanted people to dance, but old people don't really dance. I'm not going to say it was a success or a failure... I learned relationships are between people and God, and I had always known that. But I think I gave everyone an opportunity to praise God. And eventually, the passion of our youth group did rub off on our church.
Several people in my youth group wanted to serve the homeless in Minneapolis, but our parents weren't really thrilled with the idea... mostly for safety reasons.
A lot of people went on a missions trip to Czech Republic right after. They said it was a continuation of what they had learned at the National Youth Conference. God had told us He loved us. And now He wanted us to serve other people. I wasn't able to go that summer, but I went the following summer.
Czech Republic was under communist rule until recently, and Christianity in Czech Republic is not currently very prevalent. Most people I talked to said that when they thought of church, they thought of old people going to Catholic Mass. Our church was partnering with a church in a village called Vsetin. We encouraged them, they encouraged us in completely different ways-- they stuck out as Christians in their society, we were fighting to stick out in a society where everyone is a "Christian." Each of us faced different challenges, but we worshiped and loved the same God.
Our youth group helped set up an English camp, and taught English to high schoolers in the town. After English lessons, we played games, sang songs and danced, and gave a message... and our testimonies. It was a unique experience, because many of the people we were witnessing to honestly knew nothing about God and some were really hearing about what Jesus did for them for the first time. I was able to personally witness two people come to Christ, and it was really moving.
In Czech Republic, I found a lot of genuine hearts. For them, it isn't just the norm, its something you are serious about. At a bonfire one night, a group of us stood in a circle with our arms around each other and sang. And we sang the same songs in two different languages, but our God heard it as one heart singing to Him, the body of Christ.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
testimony- part 1 (pre-Christian)
I'm obviously going to start out the semester giving a quick synopsis of what I think of worship and music-- something I expect will evolve, at least to some extent, during the semester. But before I start taking positions and saying what I think, its important to hear where I come from, some of the significant events in my life, and how they have contributed to my view of worship. This isn't necessarily going to be my traditional "testimony", of how I came to Christ, although that has a LOT to do with it, but the parts of my life and my experiences that I think are applicable and necessary to fully understand what I think.
I grew up in a Christian home, I went to an Evangelical Free Church from age 2 to age 13. I went to a Calvinist Christian elementary school for about 3 years, and was homeschooled for about 7 years. I was sheltered, I was very exposed to "modern" Christian "worship." Throughout those years I heard about every cliche Christian song that came into existence-- mostly because I was very very involved in music-anything wherever I went. In Sunday school I was taught "Jesus loves me" and "Oh how I love Jesus." At age 4 I was taught to sing Christmas songs and "Jesus loves the little children" in a children's choir for my church. In elementary school we sang about the walls of jericho and hymns like "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." Until 6th grade I was in every choir I could possibly be in, sang solos in all the church musicals. In 7th grade I was allowed to be part of the "youth group choir," which was modern choral arrangements of more "cool" songs by Audio Adrenaline or Kirk Franklin-- everyone in it hated it. I learned every Christian camp song in existence when I went to Camp Shamineau and Camp Cherith every summer. And of course in church we sang "Our God is an Awesome God" and in youth group we sang songs like "Where Justice Rolls Down." At home my dad taught us his favorite hymns. Honestly, if I picked anything up from my Christian background, it was every lyric to every Christian song that existed in the 90s. I was overly exposed to almost every form of "worship music," and I loved most it-- because I loved music, I loved singing, I loved performing. But I hardly knew God, let alone loved HIM, and I don't really think many of the people I grew up with really did either. The music, at least to me, was never about God, it was about music.
When I was in middle school, we left our church-- actually we were kicked out. My dad and a handful of other people disagreed with what the pastor was teaching and discussed it with him and we eventually received a letter that if we came to church we would have police escort us off the premises. I promise it was entirely ridiculous on their part, not ours. I don't even know if they could legitimately do that because we had done nothing wrong. I was almost immediately forced to give up all the friendships I had ever had, and was no longer allowed to see all the people I had known my entire life. I started going to school again-- this time a public school. And I really didn't want to have anything to do with church ever again. My parents forced me to go to a small church for a little while, and I got to know a few people, and made a few friendships, but I generally distanced myself from God as much as I could. Everything I had thought about Christianity and love was a lie. I had been betrayed by my "Christian" friends, and by God, I thought, if He was even real. I made friends in high school with people that openly hated God, eventually became involved in things I shouldn't have been involved in, and I progressively became more and more depressed.
My view of worship music at the time = fake. At my church, it had always seemed fake to me (and I know that was probably not true for everyone), but everything at my church was about being popular, about being attractive, about being big and powerful. It was hardly about loving God-- maybe about getting to heaven and what He could do for us?-- but it obviously wasn't about loving people.
While it was largely "worship" music that turned me off to Christianity, it was ultimately "worship" music that saved me... or you could look at it that way.
In 9th grade, before I had completely distanced myself from God, my brother and I went on a church retreat with the youth group at my parents' new church. I honestly hardly knew anyone, but my parents were willing to pay any amount of money to get me involved in church again. And church trips are always bonding experiences unless you are a really antisocial person and can manage getting away with out talking to anyone. Even then, you will probably get sucked in. So it was a lot of fun. We went to the Canadian rockies and went rock climbing, played ping pong and basketball, made meals together... It was one of those trips where you eventually felt like you had known everyone forever. And the 14 hour van rides each way definitely helped, too. On the way back, one of the leaders found out I could play guitar-- and of course I knew every "worship" song imaginable, so my van spent half of the ride home singing every song I could figure out the chords to. Jenny Seward sat on one side of me, and Travis Knapp sat on the other. And during that trip I had one of those defining, significant moments that shape you as a person-- we were singing heart of worship, and halfway through the song I was totally struck because I realized this boy sitting next to me meant every word he was singing... you could just tell. It was just funny because I had heard SO many people sing this song, and it was one of the first times I heard someone sing it and really seem to mean every word of it.
In 10th grade, I had hit rock bottom. Just living in sin, living for nothing, completely miserable, suicidal... and even with a number of friends I felt so worthless and alone. I had a boyfriend that called me at the same time every night, and one night I was waiting for my boyfriend to call and someone called for my mom. I was really annoyed, and sat next to her to try to get her to hang up the phone as soon as she could. But it wasn't actually for my mom, it was a leader of our youth group, calling to let my family know that Travis Knapp had just died in a car accident. The Travis Knapp I had met on the trip... one of the only people I could say I had really seen God in. And I was struck again, a lot harder. This guy was my age-- 15!-- and he was dead. What if it had been me? Did I believe there was a heaven? Would I have gone there? Had he gone there? What was I doing with my life? I had been suicidal, but I began to question if i really wanted to die. It had never felt so real to me. There was more to the immoral, high school life I was living, because death like that did not fit into it... we were invincible... whether that something was God or not, I wasn't sure, but it was a part of life that I had never experienced that completely hit me like I had just run as fast as I could into a wall and I couldn't breathe.
There was a memorial service that night for the youth group-- not really a service, actually, just a place for us to be with each other so we didn't have to grieve alone. And I went to it, but hardly talked to anyone, I just thought about everything. I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months, still not knowing what I think. And they played "This is your life" by Switchfoot- which I had never heard before. "This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?" "Of all the people I know, Travis truly lived his life for God... how are you living your life?" It hit me. I really had to rethink everything again.
I prayed the next few days. I was angry at God, but I knew He was real. I didn't understand Christianity anymore, but I realized that it was truth. I had been lied to, but I began to realize there was truth beyond the lies. And I realized that God was giving me a chance to start over, and to really find life and freedom and the truth. And at his funeral, when the pastor offered a chance to pray the prayer I had heard a million times before, I prayed my own prayer... I didn't pray that Jesus would be in my heart word-for-word after the pastor-- I told God I wanted to follow Him, I was giving Him control, and I asked Him to help me find the truth. I wanted to be able to have a heart like Travis, to really love God the way Travis did because He was one of the only people I could see it in... a genuine life for God. And I know almost everyone is glorified when they die, but I swear, Travis, even when He was alive, was one of the people that impacted my life the most... and I had hardly even known him.
I grew up in a Christian home, I went to an Evangelical Free Church from age 2 to age 13. I went to a Calvinist Christian elementary school for about 3 years, and was homeschooled for about 7 years. I was sheltered, I was very exposed to "modern" Christian "worship." Throughout those years I heard about every cliche Christian song that came into existence-- mostly because I was very very involved in music-anything wherever I went. In Sunday school I was taught "Jesus loves me" and "Oh how I love Jesus." At age 4 I was taught to sing Christmas songs and "Jesus loves the little children" in a children's choir for my church. In elementary school we sang about the walls of jericho and hymns like "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." Until 6th grade I was in every choir I could possibly be in, sang solos in all the church musicals. In 7th grade I was allowed to be part of the "youth group choir," which was modern choral arrangements of more "cool" songs by Audio Adrenaline or Kirk Franklin-- everyone in it hated it. I learned every Christian camp song in existence when I went to Camp Shamineau and Camp Cherith every summer. And of course in church we sang "Our God is an Awesome God" and in youth group we sang songs like "Where Justice Rolls Down." At home my dad taught us his favorite hymns. Honestly, if I picked anything up from my Christian background, it was every lyric to every Christian song that existed in the 90s. I was overly exposed to almost every form of "worship music," and I loved most it-- because I loved music, I loved singing, I loved performing. But I hardly knew God, let alone loved HIM, and I don't really think many of the people I grew up with really did either. The music, at least to me, was never about God, it was about music.
When I was in middle school, we left our church-- actually we were kicked out. My dad and a handful of other people disagreed with what the pastor was teaching and discussed it with him and we eventually received a letter that if we came to church we would have police escort us off the premises. I promise it was entirely ridiculous on their part, not ours. I don't even know if they could legitimately do that because we had done nothing wrong. I was almost immediately forced to give up all the friendships I had ever had, and was no longer allowed to see all the people I had known my entire life. I started going to school again-- this time a public school. And I really didn't want to have anything to do with church ever again. My parents forced me to go to a small church for a little while, and I got to know a few people, and made a few friendships, but I generally distanced myself from God as much as I could. Everything I had thought about Christianity and love was a lie. I had been betrayed by my "Christian" friends, and by God, I thought, if He was even real. I made friends in high school with people that openly hated God, eventually became involved in things I shouldn't have been involved in, and I progressively became more and more depressed.
My view of worship music at the time = fake. At my church, it had always seemed fake to me (and I know that was probably not true for everyone), but everything at my church was about being popular, about being attractive, about being big and powerful. It was hardly about loving God-- maybe about getting to heaven and what He could do for us?-- but it obviously wasn't about loving people.
While it was largely "worship" music that turned me off to Christianity, it was ultimately "worship" music that saved me... or you could look at it that way.
In 9th grade, before I had completely distanced myself from God, my brother and I went on a church retreat with the youth group at my parents' new church. I honestly hardly knew anyone, but my parents were willing to pay any amount of money to get me involved in church again. And church trips are always bonding experiences unless you are a really antisocial person and can manage getting away with out talking to anyone. Even then, you will probably get sucked in. So it was a lot of fun. We went to the Canadian rockies and went rock climbing, played ping pong and basketball, made meals together... It was one of those trips where you eventually felt like you had known everyone forever. And the 14 hour van rides each way definitely helped, too. On the way back, one of the leaders found out I could play guitar-- and of course I knew every "worship" song imaginable, so my van spent half of the ride home singing every song I could figure out the chords to. Jenny Seward sat on one side of me, and Travis Knapp sat on the other. And during that trip I had one of those defining, significant moments that shape you as a person-- we were singing heart of worship, and halfway through the song I was totally struck because I realized this boy sitting next to me meant every word he was singing... you could just tell. It was just funny because I had heard SO many people sing this song, and it was one of the first times I heard someone sing it and really seem to mean every word of it.
In 10th grade, I had hit rock bottom. Just living in sin, living for nothing, completely miserable, suicidal... and even with a number of friends I felt so worthless and alone. I had a boyfriend that called me at the same time every night, and one night I was waiting for my boyfriend to call and someone called for my mom. I was really annoyed, and sat next to her to try to get her to hang up the phone as soon as she could. But it wasn't actually for my mom, it was a leader of our youth group, calling to let my family know that Travis Knapp had just died in a car accident. The Travis Knapp I had met on the trip... one of the only people I could say I had really seen God in. And I was struck again, a lot harder. This guy was my age-- 15!-- and he was dead. What if it had been me? Did I believe there was a heaven? Would I have gone there? Had he gone there? What was I doing with my life? I had been suicidal, but I began to question if i really wanted to die. It had never felt so real to me. There was more to the immoral, high school life I was living, because death like that did not fit into it... we were invincible... whether that something was God or not, I wasn't sure, but it was a part of life that I had never experienced that completely hit me like I had just run as fast as I could into a wall and I couldn't breathe.
There was a memorial service that night for the youth group-- not really a service, actually, just a place for us to be with each other so we didn't have to grieve alone. And I went to it, but hardly talked to anyone, I just thought about everything. I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months, still not knowing what I think. And they played "This is your life" by Switchfoot- which I had never heard before. "This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?" "Of all the people I know, Travis truly lived his life for God... how are you living your life?" It hit me. I really had to rethink everything again.
I prayed the next few days. I was angry at God, but I knew He was real. I didn't understand Christianity anymore, but I realized that it was truth. I had been lied to, but I began to realize there was truth beyond the lies. And I realized that God was giving me a chance to start over, and to really find life and freedom and the truth. And at his funeral, when the pastor offered a chance to pray the prayer I had heard a million times before, I prayed my own prayer... I didn't pray that Jesus would be in my heart word-for-word after the pastor-- I told God I wanted to follow Him, I was giving Him control, and I asked Him to help me find the truth. I wanted to be able to have a heart like Travis, to really love God the way Travis did because He was one of the only people I could see it in... a genuine life for God. And I know almost everyone is glorified when they die, but I swear, Travis, even when He was alive, was one of the people that impacted my life the most... and I had hardly even known him.
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